TwIsTeD Reflections

If you go to a bookshelf on relationships, you will notice there are lots of books on how to start a relationship and how to maintain a marriage, both of which I have zero experience. Yet, in 5 yrs of beautiful(and not-so-beautiful) togetherness with my girlfriend has taught me a trick or ten on how to keep the engine running. But i must stress that the relationships im talking about are the serious kind, not the type where you get tog to see what it is lik or just plain infatuation.

In romance, after u get the girl or guy, there are 3 phases. There may be more, but i probably have not reached that stage yet.

First is the Quarreling Stage. This is the roller coaster ride where couples come into terms with having a girlfriend/boyfriend. It is when couples straighten out issues among themselves. The issues will vary, from the important ones such as physical relationship(sex), money(who pays for the meal?), communication (why you never call me last night?), religion(Church? what is that?) to the petty issues (Why did you step on my toe?... You have bad breath...Can you stop tapping you foot...etc)

Many couples do not last past the first stage, which may take up to a month or more depending on how long the quarrels can be. The best advice to most couples is to ride it out, and settle them as quick as possible.

When you can get past that portion, you will reach the blissful Honeymoon stage. This is the best time in a relationship, where quarrels are few and the benefits of going through hell start to come. That is not to say no major quarrels will turn up. This of course depends if u exited the roller coaster feeling sick or thrilled.

This however brings up the long-run issues, where couples start to ponder about the future with their partners. Issues, such as attitude, education or occupation, previous accomplishments, third parties(or ex-es), marriagability and of course parents, start to arise. But since these issues take time to solve, it is not as much a rollercoaster ride as the previous stage. However, the issues are serious nonetheless, and couples must take proactive action in solving them.

The 3rd stage is what i like to call the Plateau stage, where the relationship start to slow to a standstill. Because of the slow pace of the previous stage, and when one gets used to the presence of the other, people tend to take the other for granted. In this stage, the problems and negative traits within the relationship seem all the more glaring and the grass rapidly seems greener in the outside.

Many have fallen prey. Call it the 7-year itch, as the saying goes. A party has to start being imaginative with the relationship and his/her partners. This is the time when couples should try going to places that are new for dates, or anything outside the norm of repetition and routine.


Without further ado, I will give 10 quick tips to all those with a Loved One out there:

1. Set down rules

At the start of the relationship, settle down a few rules that both parties can agree upon and keep at it. If you break a rule, face the music. Rules can be things like no sex till marriage, settling of quarrels before we go to bed, never mention breakup until all solutions have been exhausted, etc (btw, these are some of the rules in my own relationship)

2. Compromise.

This is a hard thing for many, as it is hard to draw a line on what is fair and what is not. But trust me, if the issue does not go to either one's way after an extended period of time, a compromise is for the best.

3. Change yourself, but not too much.

Similar to the previous one, but applied for the longer-run. To change yourself shows a dedication to the relationship, and adding oil into the engine. However, we must always maintain a certain amount of self. Learn where to put the foot down as to when changes should go. If the changes are good for you, go for it, if not discuss with your partner on why you should change. (i.e. If your partner is telling you to stop smoking, just stop. If the partner is asking you to change your fashion sense, you can choose to put your foot down here.)

4. Settle arguments as quickly as possible.

Quarreling is essential for the relationship. If you do not quarrel with your partner, you are NOT in a relationship. However, extended quarrels are detrimental to a relationship's well-being. It wears down emotionally on all parties involved and generally not healthy. Settle it fast, either by giving in, compromise or hard sell, whichever is the best option to maintain the relationship. Extended arguments generally lead to breakups.

5. Respect your partner for their decisions

There will be decision where you just cannot agree with her. It may not be anything to do with you, but you feel like he/she is heading down the wrong road i.e her job. Trust your partner to do the right thing and suck it up, esp if he/she is being stubborn about it.

6. Communicate honestly

I know some out there may think that there must be some secrets among couples and I say it depends, on your partner. On things where your partner is being obviously unreasonable, perhaps it is best to keep it from him/her. However, if the partner can take it, tell it upfront, with the details included. Leave out sarcasms, raised voices when communicating about serious topics.

7.Know the differences in male and female

Men and women think and feel differently. and this would affect the relationship. Women are generally more vocal about their feelings (men just shut up and listen) and men usually do not voice out their displeasure or discomfort(women just shut up and show your support quietly). Other differences include solving of problems, ego in a different fields, handling of parents, sex, etc. Find out more about your partner before you judge him/her as he/she may not have the same way of doing things as you.

8. Skinship

I'm not talking about sex specifically. But it is shown that a couple with greater physical intimacy usually last longer. 'Skinship' is another way of communicating love, perhaps the strongest way. This may range from the hugs and kisses to actual sex. However, it is vital not to treat skinship as entertainment but as communication, and both parties must realise that. Progress slowly; if you are serious about having a sustained relationship, there is no hurry. But progress nonetheless.

9. "Break up" is a phrase only used as a last resort

And by last resort, I do really mean last resort. Normally that is not the case, as couples end the relationship too early, and realise it only after the deed has been done. So when should a couple break up? Only when one party does not love, or respect, the other anymore.

10. Coming to a decision, it is equal parts Heart and Head.

It is good to be passionate in a relationship. However, if the it is a serious issue, to think using your heart, ie to be overly emotional, is bound to lead to serious consequences. Use you Head when thinking through problems, rationally discuss with your partner. On the other hand, do not be cold to him/her and show that you do care. Equal parts Heart and Head.Those who are overly emotional, usually girls, try to curb it and think rationally, and those who are too calculative, usually guys, open your Heart more than your partner.

I do hope these 10 tips has helped you in your respective romance. Good luck!