I dont rant. I just dont, because it is pointless. So why isit, these few days, Ive been ranting? Ive been feeling a weird sense of melancholy lately. I was told it is not depression, since depressed people dont make jokes and laugh at other people.
Then, it occured to me. I've been feeling like this because of everything that is happening around me. Normally, bad news dont affect me much, I can pretty much take things in stride. But, now that i think about it (normally, I avoid thinking negatively, so Im kinda oblivious) there has been an awful lot of shit happening, not to me, but to the people around me, and in turn (I suspect) affects me.
My girlfriend got her face scarred by New York Skin Solutions, for example. (If you are reading this, DO NOT GO THERE!!). Sorry, dear, if you are reading this, I couldn't hold it in. She paid a huge undisclosed sum of money to get her face treated, only to ger pimples forcefully popped. Not to mention her momentous decision to finally take a stand to her parents. Then there is the goddamn exams, which all my dearest university friends, muggers and non-muggers alike, are fretting over, even getting depressed over. There is Shoe, who has officially turned into a zombie now that her boyfriend, who doesnt seem to like me, went back to his hometown for 4 weeks. There is my beloved cousin, who recently broke up with the girlfriend, and has to have me come over for 2 nights so depression wont set in. And of course there is my exams and the fact that I purposely missed a major exam for the first time in my freakin' life.
Other than that, everything is just dandy. I sure hope my brothers (or 1 cock and 1 sister, for those who did my facebook quiz) are doing fine
The funny thing is that I didnt realise the cumulative effect on all these events on me only now. This strange feeling of sadness that is not sadness, loneliness that is not loneliness, frustruation that is just not. I could only call it... melancholy. This is huge for a person who seldom, if ever, get depressed. I dont even know what depression is supposed to feel like.
I enjoy helping people. Well, people close to me specifically. I help all the same i.e. with my utmost best. And perhaps, this is why I'm absorbing in this form of emotional stress, because of my ability to help take burdens off my friends onto my seemingly invincible back. Only that it is not invincible, and cracks are starting to show. Small cracks mind you, nothing major, no emo-ness yet. But cracks nontheless.
Well, while I am at it, I my and as well create a constructive argument. Why do people rank friendships? Does a person who knows you longest neccessarily know you best? If you confess everything to a psychologist who has only just had you as a client, ill bet the psychologist knows more about you than your best friend for years. What does best friend even mean? Most... love? alikeness? time together? kinship?
I have already come to an understanding that no one knows me for who I am. I have come to that understanding for years already in fact. Nope, Im not moping like some idiot, I'm just speaking fact. And I don't blame anyone for that fact, for I think I don't even know myself. So no one knows me inside out, not even my girlfriend. I think the person closest to that kind of kinship, is probably Shoe, and I havent even met her properly yet.
But that doesn't mean I love her. So, the link between friendship and romantic love, to me, is non-existent. I dont agree with the people that say that there can't be platonic love between a girl and a guy. Such a view is narrow-minded, in my opinion, and discounts the possibility of a beautiful platonic friendship without the introduction of romance.
So why is it that we get so caught up getting jealous over our partners friends? They have nothing to do with your relationship. Why do friends get jealous over another friend's partner? Is your friend not allowed to feel happiness in romance while you are there?
I put all my friends on the same plate, the same platform. None have priority over the other, as long as they have gained my trust. If all came to me with problems, so help me god, I will help every one of them together. Melancholy be damned.
TwIsTeR Truths & TwIsTeR Ramblings: This Is Me Ranting
TwIsTeR's Lakers & TwIsTeR Truths: Basketball Memories
As I have mentioned before, basketball has been one of my greatest passions. And I have travelled throughout Singapore, chasing that particular game that stirs emotions to such an extent. Though my bball activities have toned down, to say the least, it still creates an impact of my life. Of course, you should know that im blogging this while undergoing cold turkey from bball over the last few weeks, in preparation of(or the attempt to preapare for)my exams.
The memories of the game does not mean the event was significant. But it stayed in my head. My recounting of such events is particularly biased, since it is from my point of view.
Before i start, I should tell you what kind fo player I am, if you have not read this post of my basketball pals and myself. I am primarily a defensive player, defined by my ability to guard practically any position. This has changed alot since my secondary school days, where the thrill of offence was my drive in the game. I operate best in the low post and high post, since im 1.73m tall and 78kg (low height and heavy weight = greater center fo gravity). My favourite position is the small forward position, though I can play any other position other than two-guard. I feel the greatest weakness of my game is my shooting ability, which is inconsistent at best.
Memory1: The year is 2001 and I have already defined myself in the neighbourhood courts. People (godbies, peers, pros,etc) call my by 'Botak!' from my crewcut hairstyle. I was young, cocky, and full of confidence in my speed and offensive ability.
There is one group of players, however, I cannot win. Girls. Yes, shorter, physically weaker girls. But girls that play basketball are particularly scary. They have no fear, no matter how tall you are. They do not notice the differences between sexes and have no qualms with bodily contact and crashing head-first into you. And add that to lethal shooting and you have a potent combination.
Guy on the court avoid body contact with girls. 'Bullying' is frowned upon, so any form of defence, especially blocking shots, are followed by disapproving eyes, shaking of heads and, god forbid, cracking of knuckles.
The thing abt neighbourhood ball is that winning to the only thing that can keep you on the court. Win the game, stay on the court for the next challenger. Lose and wait your turn. And I want to play... as much as possible.
So imagine my horror when I see a group of sec 4 girls, 5 of them, coming down to join in the games of 4 on 4. or in their case, 4 on 5, since they are girls and deserve a handicap. All sec 4 girls were from school team.
My team started to panic, since we are the surviving team on the court; we have won 5 straight games and plan to keep it that way. No contact with girls means the loss of rebounding. No contact also means no defence, especially when there are 5 of them. We are going to lose.
They turn to me. I reply, "pass to me. Im going to shoot three pointers." Now, if you remember, I am a supremely inconsistent shooter; the strategy was risky at best. It was the best we could have come up with.
I checked the ball as I saw the bevy get into position. Impenetratable without any contact. Once I received the ball, I launched it up. Hit!
Check again. Launched again, this time the girl jumped at me with slim fingers right in my eyes, and her body leaping towards me. The ball left my hand. HIT AGAIN! I was on a roll. Till now, I cant recall how I managed to hit that shot. It was distracting.
The girls have locked onto me already and knew I was their primary threat. Crap. A check is followed by the close proximity of 2 bodies. No space to launch a three. I pass to a teammate and run to the diagonal of the hoop at the threepoint line. the teammate promptly pass to me as I jack up the shot before the 2 girls manage to catch up.
That game was the first and last time I managed to hit all 7 threepointers Ive attempted, winning the game by my lonesome and sending the bevy back with 0 points.
Memories 2:The year is 2004. My jc was organising a basketball tornament. I gathered a group of players, a mixture of j1 and j2 peers who had never played with each other before. Yet, we had good talent, and had the opportunity to win the whole thing, since the school team players were not participating.
We called the team Tian Zui, or Sin from Heaven. Sounded cool. We had one practice session, which showed off our decent talent.
The first match came, and I was late. Overslept. I rushed to the court and hurried to hand in the application, being the team captain. What happaned after that was a memory I have tried to forget.
Trouble brewed when the j1s told me that they had a soccer match on that very same day. They had to leave the game halfway. That left less than half the players we had on the team.
So I started with the j1s, seeing as they had to leave halfway aniwae.They were too good for the opponent, overwhelming them and pushing the team to a good 20 point lead.
Then they had to leave, leaving 6 players remaining. One of them was not very good, whom i had put into the team roster to fill up the space.So that left 5 competent players. I fielded all 5 players, myself included. Then disaster struck. I was called for 3 quick fouls. I turned to the referee and shouted "What the...!" Before I could even utter the last word, I was whisted for the technical, and sent out fo the game. I still say the referee didnt like my face.
Being sent out, I had to field that one remaining player, and things went downhill from there. They caught up quickly. Since my teams bench was at the side of the scoreboard, I couldnt see the score. I didnt know they had caught up. When I checked, I realised the lead had shrunk to a mere 1 point lead.
As if things couldnt have gotten any worse, Marcus inbounded the ball that was intercepted. That led to two quick points and a lead with around 10 seconds left. The team inbounded the ball and watch helplessly as Marcus missed the three pointer.
We lost. In the first match of a knockout tornament. Disgrace of the century.
Till now, I know things were my fault. I could have called for a timeout. But I had no idea that that was an option. if I came earlier, I could have asked. The timeout would have helped me discuss things with the team and allow Kaijun to that the 3, rather than our center, Marcus. I could have not lost my temper and not get fouled out of the game. Otherwise I wouldnt have to put in that certain player into the game.
I sworn off bball that day to my girlfriend. It was too painful to watch a ball bounce. The self-imposed curfew lasted 3 days.
More to come later.
By the tone of my previous posts, I may seem to portray a certain arrogant attitude to some. Don't say I didn't warn you. However, I believe this post may throw a dose of humility into this blog.
Perfection is overrated. A perfect man, should such a being exist is most definitely a boring man, living in a mundane lifestyle. Imperfections are what make us what we are, makes us human, humbles us and teaches us values worth keeping. Love would not exist between two perfect beings, as true love is defined by the flaws of being. For example, to fall in love with a girl would require you to accept the flaws of the person, while to love a perfect being could very well be superficial.
Therefore, here are 10 of the most embarrassing problems with me, spoken as truthfully as I can.
1. Careless
If you saw me playing basketball or badminton, many would say that I'm agile and quick feet. Well, they will say that until I sprain my ankle. I have a strange sense of balance, which is exceptional when riding a bike, or on the court, yet downright clumsy when I'm on the ground. This has earned me a multitude of sprained ankles, sprained necks, sprained fingers... In other words, more injuries than i have joints.
2. Temper
I believe I had touched on this before. Let me elaborate. When I was in signals, I had physically engaged this pai kia platoon mate, because of mutual dislike, outside the camp. It earned me a bloody nose, but the matter was settled when fellow platoon mates pulled us apart. I have sincerely regretted that to this day. The reason for fighting? It was that, essentially, I didn't like his face. I never felt so disgusted with myself, fighting for such a low down reason. Of course, being the bastard that he is, I never apologised. Nevertheless, that was not even the full extent of my anger. And i never want to find out what that is.
3. Low will power
When I set my mind on something, anything, I will excel in it. Not a boast, just a fact. It has been proven in academics, in sports, in the arts. The problem is I'm not fond of putting my mind into something. To me, it takes extraordinary amount of energy, and the returns are never enough to justify that loss of energy. I know... excuses, yet it is one of my many fatal flaws. Im the kind that when I can see the end, it is no longer interesting and would cease any effort. This flaw has proven to be the most grievous compared to the rest.
4. Too much big picture
Similar to the the above, yet different. I remember an old Garfield comic, with Garfield commenting: Apathetic people are different from lazy people. Apathetic people don't care. Lazy people care, they just don't do anything about it. Yet laziness has never been a constant flaw. There are many times when I have put in the utmost effort, normally in the things I enjoy. Swimming, writing, basketball, tuition. These are just some of things I have put in, or used to put in, a lot of sweat and blood into. Yet, there are just times...
5. Details...
I just don't notice them. I'm a very big-picture kind of guy, which kinda explains why the means do not mean as much to me as the ends. Therefore, when it is time to micromanage, to zoom in and analyse, to notice the little things, I usually fail. I enjoy seeing life and purpose in the big picture that sometimes I forget, or forgo, the little things that make up that life or purpose, because of the seeming insignificance fo it. For example, studying for a test does not seem important since we are going to die anyway. I know, flawed rationalizing.
6. Disorganised
If you entered my room or seen my desk before it is cleaned up, or even my handwriting, you will understand. What most people don't know is that there is a method to my madness. Should you arrange or tidy up my room, I would find things harder to locate. In the chaos, there exist a routine and an order. My mom doesnt see it that way though.
7. Over-rationalising
I am normally a highly rational person, as a reader of my blog can attest. Sometimes, I take it over the top. The problem with rationalising is that it has to be conclusive, with no room for error. Sometimes, I make that error, and yet continue with the analysis, falling prey to obstructions such as assumtion, ignorance and bias. Rationality must be conclusive and exhaustive. At times, I find myself regretting for not taking a path into consideration. Chaos theory, perhaps, to some extent.
8. Low confidence
This may come as a surprise to some. My biggest critic is myself, as I have constantly questioned my actions. This is probably due to my scatter-brain, haphazard nature that has forced me into many mistakes. Therefore, I sometimes become cautious into making a mistake, damaging my confidence to some extent. This is also the primary reason why I am totally lousy at focus-based games, such as pool, archery, golf or even shooting the basketball. I have conquered and corrected a large portion of this flaw, but the foundation has been laid within me and will probably haunt me till the day I die.
9. Poor short term memory
I just have a lousy short term memory. I can forget what I'm about to say, what i was going to do, the name of the person I'm speaking with, even if the person just introduced himself to me. Thank god I have a girlfriend that has an excellent short term memory to help me in this department.
10. Socially awkward
This is the most embarrassing flaw, which i have saved for last: I can't talk to girls. There, out in the open. Before talking to the opposite sex, especially if she is attractive, I tend to stutter and panic. It doesn't help that I have flaws 1, 3, 5, 8 and 9. I have never confessed to a girl before, for if I ever did like a girl, I would have spoken very little, if ever, to her. Normally, speaking to the opposite sex, and to a lesser extent to guys, I have to plan what I say, which may backfire on me, as it did many times. This is different from when I'm online. Thank god for MSN.
11. Chinese
Sometimes I wish i wasn't born chinese. Nothing to do with chinese culture or roots or all that stuff. In fact, Im deeply fascinated with Chinese culture. Its just that, my aptitude in that language is disgustingly poor i might as well fill up the migration papers now... In bilingual Singapore, no less. To make things worse, people thinks that my standard in the language is actually lower than it alr is, no thanks to the fact that i sound like a foreigner when attempting to speak it. My comprehension for basic mandarin is actually not too bad, the problem is speaking from my end. It sounds... weird. So, when you are speaking mandarin to me, and i reply with a 'huh?', it is not that I dont understand, is that i genuinely didnt hear you. So try not to switch to English that quickly, alrite?
12. I can't take compliments well
You heard of people who cant take insults well, due to their temper? Yea, well, Im the total opposite. The problem in this social nightmare(to me) is how to respond to a "good job!" or a "nice pass!". Do I say "yea, i tink so too" and sound like an arrogant bastard? or do I say "nah, it was alrite" and sound like Im rejecting the compliment? It is a total dilemma to me. Normally, I just dip my head and mumble something, that may have the reaction of either of those 2 scenarios. Thing is: I love compliments. Like who doesn't, rite? But I seriously love all the ego-boosting flattery, fake sentiments or otherwise. So, if I respond to your compliments, please dont take it any other way other than a great, big "Thank you!"
13. Im fat
'Nuff said.
There you have it. As I'm typing this, Im positively red in the face, sheesh. I know it is 13 and not 10, but seems like I got more flaws than I would prefer. I never liked any of my flaws and have taken some measure to correct them, but we know that is difficult, isn't it.
Those who have read my previous post may have noticed that I left out the elaboration on the 'god' part. Reason why is because that part resides a little closer to my heart. To elaborate on it would reveal my view on the divine, which would be egoistical in a supposed unbiased piece.
I do not belong to any religion. Which is no way means that I am not a religious person. Does that confuse you? Let me explain.
While I did explain that the 'man' part and the 'god' part are equally important pieces in any structured religion, it my view that the 'man' part can be ignored. Not because I do not like traditions, regulations(ok, mayb not this) or places of worship, but because of the fact this stuff often gets in the way of objectivity when concerning religion. But in the end, I firmly believe that the belief on the 'man' portion is left up to the individual, as long as the two parts do not mix.
So the important question: Do i believe in God? The answer is yes. Which god, however, I can and cannot say. I would say all the Gods and none of them. I just believe in a higher power.
Why? No, not because of faith, as you know by now im not a believer of blind faith. No, not because of upbringing. I come from a family composed of free-thinkers, even though I did go to a christian kindergarden and secondary school. Nope, none of those. The answer is logic.
Logic? How did I come to the conclusion that God exist through logic?
Well, the answer had to be derived on unbiased grounds, without assumption. So i cannot go and assume god exists because i fear death and require the comfort that he does exist. Even though i admittedly was spurred to find an ans by precisely that reason. So, after searching Men for years, i found the answer in nature and science.
It is strange that im eloping seemingly 2 extreme faculties together. I believe that science exists because of god. The existence of God is generally residing in miracles, something which the scientific faculty scoffs at. But the result of science is, to me, a miracle in itself.
How does millions of cells, fuse into tissue and systems work cohesively to form a complex lifeform? And from that lifeform, develops intelligence to study, analyse and form conclusions?How on earth did the Hydrogen cycle just fall into place? Together with the nitrogen cycle? By coincidence? Impossible, the odds are way too great to comprehend. How does the elements of nature fit so perfectly into a nicely formed jigsaw puzzle in this place called earth, while physics run chaotic in the chaotic universe around it?
Logically, it cannot be done. Yet, it is there, miracles before our very own eyes while we search for men who walk on water. My conclusion therefore lies in an external power, changing the odds, making these miracles possible, allowing life to exist.
Furthermore, I also believe that life has to have a higher existence then contribution as fertilizer to the ground. We live years of intelligent life, of struggling, of joy, of pain. There has to be a higher purpose, otherwise, there is no point in living in general. Earth my and as well be Mars.
To finish off, I would like to quote from one of my favourite visual novels in Watchmen by Alan Moore.
Dr Manhatten, a near-godlike being, is being persuaded by his ex-girlfriend, who is crying, to come back from Mars to save Earth. He is convinced. When asked why, he replied,
"Thermo-Dynamic miracles... Events with odds against so astronomical they're effectively impossible, like oxygen spontaneously becoming gold. I long to observe such a thing. And yet, in each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those odds by countless generations, against the odds of your ancestors being alive; meeting; siring this precise son; that exact daughter...
until your mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, of the thousand million children competing for fertilization, it was you, only you, that emerged.
To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold...
that is the crowning unlikelihood.
The thermo-dynamic miracle.
But if me, my birth, if that's a thermo-dynamic miracle... I mean, you could say that about anybody in the world!
Yes
Anybody in the world.
But the world is so full of people, so crowded with these miracles that they become commonplace and we forget...
I forget.
We gaze continually at the world and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from another's vantage point, as if new, it may still take the breath away.
Come... Dry your eyes, for you are life, rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg; the clay in which the forces that shape all things leave their fingerprints clearly.
Dry your eyes...
and let's go home."
the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning
in the darkness of mere being"
-C.G. Jung
Took a personality test that Janell recommended. Dunno how true it is though.
| Introverted (I) 51.35% Extroverted (E) 48.65% Intuitive (N) 53.66% Sensing (S) 46.34% Thinking (T) 53.85% Feeling (F) 46.15% Perceiving (P) 66.67% Judging (J) 33.33% |
Explanation (From what i know):
Introversion vs extroversion is understandable enough.
Intuitive vs Sensing describes the way we perceive information, either through intuition(instincts) or our senses(our 5 senses).
Thinking vs Feeling is how we make decisions, either through objective logic or subjective feelings.
Judging vs Perceiving is how we deal with life on a day-to-day basis. Organised and purposeful(Judging) or flexible and diverse(Perceiving). According to Janell, girls are usually a J type while guys are the P type.
So, lets continue...
| INTP - "Architect". Greatest precision in thought and language. Can readily discern contradictions and inconsistencies. The world exists primarily to be understood. 3.3% of total population. |
| Enneagram Test Results
Your variant is sexual |
| type | score | type behavior motivation |
| 9 | 24 | I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy. |
| 5 | 19 | I must be knowledgable and independent to be happy. |
| 7 | 19 | I must be high and entertained to be happy. |
| 8 | 19 | I must be strong and in control to be happy. |
Main type | Variant |
 |  |
I'm not sure... but doesnt this personality test reflect what i said abt in my post "soul of a Gemini?"(Look at the borderline percentages)? I think my friends and family have a better judge of that. But this personality test realli did give me a better perspective of myself, except the variant part. What the f@#$ does that even mean? Any thoughts?
More info on my type at personalitypage.com:
Portrait of an INTP - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
(Introverted Thinking with Extraverted Intuition)
The Thinker
As an INTP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.
INTPs live in the world of theoretical possibilities. They see everything in terms of how it could be improved, or what it could be turned into. They live primarily inside their own minds, having the ability to analyze difficult problems, identify patterns, and come up with logical explanations. They seek clarity in everything, and are therefore driven to build knowledge. They are the "absent-minded professors", who highly value intelligence and the ability to apply logic to theories to find solutions. They typically are so strongly driven to turn problems into logical explanations, that they live much of their lives within their own heads, and may not place as much importance or value on the external world. Their natural drive to turn theories into concrete understanding may turn into a feeling of personal responsibility to solve theoretical problems, and help society move towards a higher understanding.
INTPs value knowledge above all else. Their minds are constantly working to generate new theories, or to prove or disprove existing theories. They approach problems and theories with enthusiasm and skepticism, ignoring existing rules and opinions and defining their own approach to the resolution. They seek patterns and logical explanations for anything that interests them. They're usually extremely bright, and able to be objectively critical in their analysis. They love new ideas, and become very excited over abstractions and theories. They love to discuss these concepts with others. They may seem "dreamy" and distant to others, because they spend a lot of time inside their minds musing over theories. They hate to work on routine things - they would much prefer to build complex theoretical solutions, and leave the implementation of the system to others. They are intensely interested in theory, and will put forth tremendous amounts of time and energy into finding a solution to a problem with has piqued their interest.
INTPs do not like to lead or control people. They're very tolerant and flexible in most situations, unless one of their firmly held beliefs has been violated or challenged, in which case they may take a very rigid stance. The INTP is likely to be very shy when it comes to meeting new people. On the other hand, the INTP is very self-confident and gregarious around people they know well, or when discussing theories which they fully understand.
The INTP has no understanding or value for decisions made on the basis of personal subjectivity or feelings. They strive constantly to achieve logical conclusions to problems, and don't understand the importance or relevance of applying subjective emotional considerations to decisions. For this reason, INTPs are usually not in-tune with how people are feeling, and are not naturally well-equiped to meet the emotional needs of others.
The INTP may have a problem with self-aggrandizement and social rebellion, which will interfere with their creative potential. Since their Feeling side is their least developed trait, the INTP may have difficulty giving the warmth and support that is sometimes necessary in intimate relationships. If the INTP doesn't realize the value of attending to other people's feelings, he or she may become overly critical and sarcastic with others. If the INTP is not able to find a place for themself which supports the use of their strongest abilities, they may become generally negative and cynical. If the INTP has not developed their Sensing side sufficiently, they may become unaware of their environment, and exhibit weakness in performing maintenance-type tasks, such as bill-paying and dressing appropriately.
For the INTP, it is extremely important that ideas and facts are expressed correctly and succinctly. They are likely to express themselves in what they believe to be absolute truths. Sometimes, their well thought-out understanding of an idea is not easily understandable by others, but the INTP is not naturally likely to tailor the truth so as to explain it in an understandable way to others. The INTP may be prone to abandoning a project once they have figured it out, moving on to the next thing. It's important that the INTP place importance on expressing their developed theories in understandable ways. In the end, an amazing discovery means nothing if you are the only person who understands it.
The INTP is usually very independent, unconventional, and original. They are not likely to place much value on traditional goals such as popularity and security. They usually have complex characters, and may tend to be restless and temperamental. They are strongly ingenious, and have unconventional thought patterns which allows them to analyze ideas in new ways. Consequently, a lot of scientific breakthroughs in the world have been made by the INTP.
The INTP is at his best when he can work on his theories independently. When given an environment which supports his creative genius and possible eccentricity, the INTP can accomplish truly remarkable things. These are the pioneers of new thoughts in our society.
Jungian functional preference ordering:
Dominant: Introverted Thinking
Auxiliary: Extraverted Intuition
Tertiary: Introverted Sensing
Inferior: Extraverted Feeling
So far, if you have seen the previous posts I hav written, you would notice certain headings connected to each post. Such as TwIsTeR Insights, where i would discuss the way the world or society works from the bottom of the well as seen by a frog. The said frog also comes up with posts such as TwIsTeR's Lakers, a more light-hearted reading on basketball.
Now, this type of blog post, which i have called TwIsTeR Truths was meant to be a revelation of how I am, how i operate, kinda lik a weird wenjie expose. therefore, I. am. VERY. hesitant about this idea. For fear of ridicule, for fear of letting people see through the masks, for fear of just muttering incomprehensible bits and boring everyone out.
Ridicule, you say? Yes, ridicule. Why? Because I have a belief that I m unique as a human being (or try to be, at the very least) and therefore grossly misunderstood by even the closest of friends. I do not mind being misunderstood, therefore the hesitation of this post, but it would be... interesting.
I am born on 26th May, 1986. Which, according to the astrology zodiac(ang moh version), I am a Gemini. No big deal to some, including myself. Im not superstitious, so zodiac signs are just a passing interest to me. And i do not agree to certain parts too.(i.e Gemini are supposed to be intelligent. Yah, many of you are laffing now)
Yet i found something within the Gemini's essence to be true in describing me. The paradox of duality. I find myself a strange fusion of 2 extremes in terms of personality.
My temper, is a good example as what i mean. Many think im a good tempered, shui bian kinda fella. And they are absolutely right. Until they talk to my brothers or my girlfriend, to whom, sadly so, I have a shorter fuse. And yet, even she doesnt noe the full extent of my anger yet. Not even I do, since i have never let that monster out of the cage, but i know it is terrifying.
Or perhaps the question of whether im extroverted or introverted, as debbie has asked me b4. I can boisterously loud, shouting and laughing like nobody's business. I have, on numerous occasions opened my mouth when nobody else has dared to. On the other hand, i have a meek personality, especially around girls(topic for another time). Sometimes i clamp up with a group of friends, preferring to fade in the background. And i also enjoy being left alone to my own devices.
The duality takes its form in many other areas that make up a personality. Cold logic vs thoughtless art, heart vs head, order vs chaos, stingy vs generous, kindness vs cruelty, etc... To explain each duality would take a post as long as a thesis. Yet, it is present and existing in me. Which why some of you receive mixed signals, despite my careful treading of concealing this.
Duality exists perhaps in every person, yet I feel that, as a fact, it exists in a larger scale than most.
There, my first post of TwiStEr Truths, and hopefully not my last. Shit, i hope i don't regret this.
