TwIsTeD Reflections

By the tone of my previous posts, I may seem to portray a certain arrogant attitude to some. Don't say I didn't warn you. However, I believe this post may throw a dose of humility into this blog.

Perfection is overrated. A perfect man, should such a being exist is most definitely a boring man, living in a mundane lifestyle. Imperfections are what make us what we are, makes us human, humbles us and teaches us values worth keeping. Love would not exist between two perfect beings, as true love is defined by the flaws of being. For example, to fall in love with a girl would require you to accept the flaws of the person, while to love a perfect being could very well be superficial.

Therefore, here are 10 of the most embarrassing problems with me, spoken as truthfully as I can.

1. Careless
If you saw me playing basketball or badminton, many would say that I'm agile and quick feet. Well, they will say that until I sprain my ankle. I have a strange sense of balance, which is exceptional when riding a bike, or on the court, yet downright clumsy when I'm on the ground. This has earned me a multitude of sprained ankles, sprained necks, sprained fingers... In other words, more injuries than i have joints.

2. Temper
I believe I had touched on this before. Let me elaborate. When I was in signals, I had physically engaged this pai kia platoon mate, because of mutual dislike, outside the camp. It earned me a bloody nose, but the matter was settled when fellow platoon mates pulled us apart. I have sincerely regretted that to this day. The reason for fighting? It was that, essentially, I didn't like his face. I never felt so disgusted with myself, fighting for such a low down reason. Of course, being the bastard that he is, I never apologised. Nevertheless, that was not even the full extent of my anger. And i never want to find out what that is.

3. Low will power
When I set my mind on something, anything, I will excel in it. Not a boast, just a fact. It has been proven in academics, in sports, in the arts. The problem is I'm not fond of putting my mind into something. To me, it takes extraordinary amount of energy, and the returns are never enough to justify that loss of energy. I know... excuses, yet it is one of my many fatal flaws. Im the kind that when I can see the end, it is no longer interesting and would cease any effort. This flaw has proven to be the most grievous compared to the rest.

4. Too much big picture
Similar to the the above, yet different. I remember an old Garfield comic, with Garfield commenting: Apathetic people are different from lazy people. Apathetic people don't care. Lazy people care, they just don't do anything about it. Yet laziness has never been a constant flaw. There are many times when I have put in the utmost effort, normally in the things I enjoy. Swimming, writing, basketball, tuition. These are just some of things I have put in, or used to put in, a lot of sweat and blood into. Yet, there are just times...

5. Details...
I just don't notice them. I'm a very big-picture kind of guy, which kinda explains why the means do not mean as much to me as the ends. Therefore, when it is time to micromanage, to zoom in and analyse, to notice the little things, I usually fail. I enjoy seeing life and purpose in the big picture that sometimes I forget, or forgo, the little things that make up that life or purpose, because of the seeming insignificance fo it. For example, studying for a test does not seem important since we are going to die anyway. I know, flawed rationalizing.

6. Disorganised
If you entered my room or seen my desk before it is cleaned up, or even my handwriting, you will understand. What most people don't know is that there is a method to my madness. Should you arrange or tidy up my room, I would find things harder to locate. In the chaos, there exist a routine and an order. My mom doesnt see it that way though.

7. Over-rationalising
I am normally a highly rational person, as a reader of my blog can attest. Sometimes, I take it over the top. The problem with rationalising is that it has to be conclusive, with no room for error. Sometimes, I make that error, and yet continue with the analysis, falling prey to obstructions such as assumtion, ignorance and bias. Rationality must be conclusive and exhaustive. At times, I find myself regretting for not taking a path into consideration. Chaos theory, perhaps, to some extent.

8. Low confidence
This may come as a surprise to some. My biggest critic is myself, as I have constantly questioned my actions. This is probably due to my scatter-brain, haphazard nature that has forced me into many mistakes. Therefore, I sometimes become cautious into making a mistake, damaging my confidence to some extent. This is also the primary reason why I am totally lousy at focus-based games, such as pool, archery, golf or even shooting the basketball. I have conquered and corrected a large portion of this flaw, but the foundation has been laid within me and will probably haunt me till the day I die.

9. Poor short term memory
I just have a lousy short term memory. I can forget what I'm about to say, what i was going to do, the name of the person I'm speaking with, even if the person just introduced himself to me. Thank god I have a girlfriend that has an excellent short term memory to help me in this department.

10. Socially awkward
This is the most embarrassing flaw, which i have saved for last: I can't talk to girls. There, out in the open. Before talking to the opposite sex, especially if she is attractive, I tend to stutter and panic. It doesn't help that I have flaws 1, 3, 5, 8 and 9. I have never confessed to a girl before, for if I ever did like a girl, I would have spoken very little, if ever, to her. Normally, speaking to the opposite sex, and to a lesser extent to guys, I have to plan what I say, which may backfire on me, as it did many times. This is different from when I'm online. Thank god for MSN.

11. Chinese
Sometimes I wish i wasn't born chinese. Nothing to do with chinese culture or roots or all that stuff. In fact, Im deeply fascinated with Chinese culture. Its just that, my aptitude in that language is disgustingly poor i might as well fill up the migration papers now... In bilingual Singapore, no less. To make things worse, people thinks that my standard in the language is actually lower than it alr is, no thanks to the fact that i sound like a foreigner when attempting to speak it. My comprehension for basic mandarin is actually not too bad, the problem is speaking from my end. It sounds... weird. So, when you are speaking mandarin to me, and i reply with a 'huh?', it is not that I dont understand, is that i genuinely didnt hear you. So try not to switch to English that quickly, alrite?

12. I can't take compliments well
You heard of people who cant take insults well, due to their temper? Yea, well, Im the total opposite. The problem in this social nightmare(to me) is how to respond to a "good job!" or a "nice pass!". Do I say "yea, i tink so too" and sound like an arrogant bastard? or do I say "nah, it was alrite" and sound like Im rejecting the compliment? It is a total dilemma to me. Normally, I just dip my head and mumble something, that may have the reaction of either of those 2 scenarios. Thing is: I love compliments. Like who doesn't, rite? But I seriously love all the ego-boosting flattery, fake sentiments or otherwise. So, if I respond to your compliments, please dont take it any other way other than a great, big "Thank you!"

13. Im fat
'Nuff said.

There you have it. As I'm typing this, Im positively red in the face, sheesh. I know it is 13 and not 10, but seems like I got more flaws than I would prefer. I never liked any of my flaws and have taken some measure to correct them, but we know that is difficult, isn't it.